I never thought I’d be making a post like this, but recovery IS possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fully recovered just yet however I’m not in fear of living like I once was for so many years. The problem is, what next? Talking to my therapist, it’s very normal to feel lost like you’re wondering around when you begin to feel better. You spend so many years in survival mode all forms of joy and ambitions take a back seat in your life. There is a vacuum left which needs to be filled.
The task I have now going forward is building my life back up again. Too old for University? What jobs excite me? Career opportunities?There are nights where I lay awake terrified wondering what the hell I’m going to do. But I need to be kind to myself, not be scared but be excited. The world is opening now.
It’s harmless, It’s old-conditioned thought patterns that bear no meaning to whats happening right now. It can hang around as long as it wants, because it’s harmless.
The less you fight it, the less you resist it, the sooner it passes and you realise you never had anything to fight in the first place.
I’m becoming obsessed with food, not in a healthy way.
I find its all I think about, thinking about which foods are ‘safe’, checking macros on everything, planning my next meals religiously instead of having what I feel like, and generally can’t get the stuff off my mind. I lost a lot of weight earlier this year going through stress and I’m still tryna gain it all back, thankfully my appetite is back with a vengeance. I ditched the scales because I found that made me even more obsessed.
I’ve heard this can happen when you’re in an underweight state and my mind is just trying to encourage me to get as many calories in my system as I can. This will go in time right? I need to break this obsession.
Quite frankly a pretty daunting subject for myself.
What am I REALLY working towards? What are my long term ambitions? Where do I see myself 6 months, a year from now?
Questions I struggle to answer if I’m honest. I’m beginning to reach a point where I’m sort of able to understand my anxious mind a lot better and bring it with me through the day. But ultimately I don’t know what I’m working towards (career wise) and that scares me. I guess all I can do is the best I can do today, carry on the path I’ve been going down the past couple months because it’s clearly been a big turning point for me,
The future will reveal itself.
Hey all, it’s been a while! I’ve been busy getting my life back.
As I sit here on my own sipping on my white americano, I’m actually astounded at myself for how far I’ve come in a relatively short period of time.
Despite the hand shakes, trembles and stomach discomfort, I’ve been able to get out for hours each day alone and come out of it okay. Even though I’ve been living alone this week with family away I’ve been able to carry on achieving. The physical discomfort is horrible at times, but knowing this doesn’t last keeps me going.
It does get better and things do improve, I know for sure I can make a full recovery in time.
Yesterday was supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning, I’d landed a new job which was meant to be a milestone on my recovery journey.
Until I got in the car and had a huge anxiety attack, realising it was just a step too far and having to cancel. I’m so disappointed in myself because these opportunities don’t come around very often, I feel I’ve let my family down, but most of all myself down. Ive made so much progress in the past few months, so I just need to keep this up because inevitably opportunities will come up in the future. At least I turned up in the afternoon to meet with the manager to apologise and explain myself.
Today I started the day with a leg workout and then took the dog for a walk. After this I went for a little day out with family for lunch and a little shopping. I’m going to keep moving forward, because I know there is so much I can accomplish.
I’ve been busy, real busy, getting my life back together.
Still an awful long way to go don’t get me wrong, but I’ve really seen a change this past month. I’m up at 6am everyday, beginning to drive to places, do the weekly food shop, get out the house more, becoming more outgoing and just generally getting on with life. Sure I have a bad day, sometimes a couple of bad days but they don’t set me back weeks like before. I’m building a life back together and I now realise I don’t have to wait to feel better to do things, it’s by doing things which is making me feel better.
I’ve got this.